I honestly didn’t expect it to happen this early. 

I thought I would have a difficult time getting Lilibubs to stop nursing from me. I mean, we enjoyed more than a year of direct latching and she fed from me about 95% of the time, bottle-feeding only when I was out for work. And we didn’t have any problems before transitioning from bottle to boob and back. The longest I was away from her was three nights and she still latched as soon as she saw me, so I really thought we would be nursing for a long time.

It was both gradual and sudden.

She started dropping feedings around two weeks after she turned a year old. Whereas before she would feed 3-4x during the day, it became 1-2x from me plus a bottle feed. But at night, we still nursed frequently as we co-slept. My milk supply has also noticeably gone down once we reached the one year mark, and I took it to mean that Lilibubs doesn’t require that much of my breastmilk anymore since she now eats more solids.

I began packing some of my nursing clothes then and felt a bit sad at first. It felt like the beginning of the end, hehe (which it truly was!). But as I have shared in my IG story, I know I have to respect Lilibubs’ wishes in this regard. And as some of my friends have pointed out, I AM lucky I didn’t have to force weaning.

Still, I have to admit that I miss her at my breast and wish that we were still nursing. Especially since I still have milk to give.. But what can I do? It is what it is. Things don’t always go the way we plan or want them to anyway, and much of life - of motherhood, of parenthood - is a continuous practice of letting go. This is just the beginning of many moments of standing back and letting my child live her life, of steeling my heart so that she can likewise fortify hers, of letting her hand go so she can know that she can stand on her own.

It is the finiteness of it all that strikes me now.. how all our relationships, and the relationships within those relationships, are all set to run their due course. Everything has its own allotted time and duration and that’s what makes living so precious. That’s what makes every moment precious..

I am getting ahead of myself, hehe. Going back to the topic at hand, what I console myself with now is the fact that I have reached my goal of one year of exclusive breastfeeding. I did say that I would nurse her for as long as I could and as long as she wanted. She clearly doesn’t want to anymore and I respect that. I did and gave her the best that I could as regards nursing, and with that, I have peace.

Lilibubs last latched on December 4. She doesn’t look for my breast anymore and has also clearly indicated that she prefers the sweeter-tasting formula milk (by this I mean that she threw a tantrum when Yaya fed her with my milk. Haha but also, ouch!). My baby has self-weaned at 13 months, and here is a recap of significant events that may have led to it:

November 4, 2019. She turned a year old. We were still exclusively nursing although of course she’s been taking solids since her 6th month. For a little over a year I would nurse her to sleep, with our 6pm bedtime session the one I have always looked forward to. it’s where I get my love tank filled and also my most focused prayer time for her.

(Sleep experts say this is not a good idea.. but as Lilibubs weaned from nursing, she has also quickly developed a new method of putting herself to sleep - that of rolling around in the floor bed until she finds the spot she likes, then sucking her left thumb and fiddling with her right ear. No dancing, rocking, carrying, nor nursing - I think this is another manifestation of her weaning and emerging independence.)

Evening of November 12, following an idiotic episode of forgetting to pump AND wearing a tight top, I developed mastitis again. I was down with fever for a night and the following morning, I tried feeding her but she would turn away. Maybe my body temperature was too warm or the taste of my milk changed? I can only guess. For four days she refused to feed from me. On those days as I managed my clogged ducts, I sequestered myself in a different room so that I could rest. I actually thought this was the start of our weaning. But then November 17 onwards we started co-sleeping again because we had guests in the house and we had to make room. She fed from me again. Our nursing relationship was back.

November 16, we started mixed-feeding her with formula following the recommendation of her pediatrician. I didn’t mind, it took pressure off from me not to be the sole milk source and she took well to the milk. Again, we shifted from formula in a bottle to boob with no difficulties. There were actually days when she would refuse to feed from her bottle whenever I was around, such that the additional expense of buying formula wasn’t felt that much. Yet.

November 21. I was going to be away for two consecutive nights for work so I took a nursing selfie, just in case it would be our last. But when I came home, nursing momma happiness! She still latched! So again I thought to myself, “Ah, hindi pa kami tapos” :).

But then, unbeknownst to me, November 27 would be the last time she would look for me to nurse. (Incidentally, it was also the same day that Joey and I began sleeping in a different room.) Our succeeding latches would all be done when she’s asleep, and I would force it just so I could naturally expel milk. December 4, her exact thirteenth month, would be our very last nursing session. Tulog rin siya noon, hehe.

On December 7, three days after her last latch, I still pumped. As indicated in my IG story above, I didn't collect that much anymore and I also pumped only when needed to prevent engorgement. In my mind, we were still mixed feeding, so at that time I was still set on naturally waiting for my milk to dry up.

Morning of December 10, Yaya approached me and reported that Lilibubs threw a tantrum the previous night when she was fed my milk in her bottle. Did I feel rejected? Maybe, but I think I was more resigned. That was the clearest sign of child-led weaning for me. Lilibubs not only didn’t need to nurse from me anymore, she also no longer wanted my expressed milk.

All I could think of then was, “para saan pa ‘tong efforts ko to express milk kung ayaw naman na ni Lilibubs?”. I felt my breasts, could feel clogged ducts forming again, thought of my packed December schedule and started stressing over potentially developing mastitis in the coming busy days/weeks, got other moms’ opinions on IG. By the afternoon I made my decision and texted my OB for meds that would stop lactation. I took one that evening, then took three everyday for three days until I felt it was enough for me to stop (ang mahal nung gamot!). My breasts still feel full and heavy, clogged ducts are still there. Last night I actually let down (maybe from the gown I wore) but I know that as long as I don’t express it, it will just dry up.

Two days after I took meds, I packed my pump and the rest of my nursing clothes.

Although I will miss it, I am thankful for the time Lilibubs and I got to nurse. It is now on to the next mothering stages for us, of walking and talking. I currently cling a lot to my baby as I wean, spending as much focused time as I can with her before I leave or prepare for work. Her readiness is making me ready.

Lead the way, my love. Mommy will guide and follow.

Thank you for reading. God bless you!

Bossa love,

Sitti