It was difficult and painful in the beginning. But when we got our groove, nursing Lilibubs has been one of the most beautiful human experiences I’ve ever had the privilege of participating in. Even when she got teeth and would bite me periodically and it hurt so much, I kept offering her my breasts both because I needed her to drain them and I wanted to feed her with my milk as long as my body produced it. I cherish the memory of her unlatching from feeding once in a while just to look up at me with the sweetest, guileless eyes.. oh, how I wish I will never forget! 

Breastfeeding, this most beautiful symbiotic relationship between a mother and her child, still teaches me a lot even until now, more than a year since Lilibubs’ first latch. It has taught me how much Lilibubs and I needed each other in mutual dependency, how nursing is not just feeding the little one milk but also nurturing and strengthening the mother-child bond, and how I myself needed to feed and stay close to Lilibubs in the most physical way possible after she was brought out from my womb. It has taught me that this was one of the ways in which trust can be introduced, established, and regained; just as Lilibubs trusts me with her sustenance, I trust her to draw out the milk that she needs as I trust my body to produce it in just the right amount.

And now that it seems we’ve started weaning, I will definitely miss it. Lilibubs hasn’t been latching as frequently during the day although at night, she still feeds a lot. I’m currently leaning more towards child-led weaning, although that may change next year once Joey and I decide to try for a second child.

To reach one year of exclusive breastfeeding was my goal. Now that I am past it, I’d like to share my learnings with fellow/soon-to-be nursing moms. This post is far from all-encompassing as it is limited to my own experience, but I will try to include as many learnings as I can.

1. Direct breastfeeding, plus the right latch, is key to ensuring good supply. As long as baby feeds directly, mama’s body will produce milk. Ideally. There are scenarios that make reaching this demand-supply equilibrium problematic though, as when there is under or over-production. For my part, I experienced over-supply for the first six months. There were feeds when Lilibubs would choke because my letdowns were too strong, and it was only when she started eating solids did my production mellow down.

2. Pump only if you need to increase your supply, or if you’re building your milk bank, or if you’re away from baby and need to empty the boobies. Otherwise, if you’re staying home with baby most of the time (like me), try to just direct latch. Also, stay away from the pump for at least the first six weeks to give your body the chance to self-regulate supply. Pump early and you’ll run the risk of oversupply. Take it from me - it was far from easy!

3. I made the mistake of using my Haakaa as a pump during the early days. Now I’m not sure if my oversupply came first or if I was the one who caused my oversupply, but instead of just letting the haakaa sit on my other breast while feeding, I used it to squeeze out excess milk, thereby pumping my breast which caused it to make even more milk. What I should have just done was to hand-express the excess milk. And now that I know better I should have just used breastmilk collection shells that do not have suction to catch letdowns.

4. That was how we handled my oversupply and overactive letdowns. Such a dramatic time in our lives hehehe but one I wouldn’t have pulled through without my husband’s help. Before every feed, I would haakaa the engorgement away until my breasts got to a comfortable size. I would then feed Lilibubs.. if there were still strong letdowns and she’d appear to drown / choke, she would wailingly unlatch, Joey would get and soothe her while I haakaa-squeezed the extra milk again, and then she would re-latch. This went on for quite some time.. Again, what I should have done was to hand express the excess milk instead of using the haakaa.

   www.kellymom.com is my go-to resource for everything breastfeeding. It was from her that I first heard about block feeding. Basically it’s offering your baby the same breast for two or more succeeding feedings, letting the other breast fill up, and subsequently tricking the body to stop producing milk. You only pump/hand express the heavier breast until it gets to a comfortable size, like 5 minutes of pumping but never a full 10-15 minute session. I employed this technique and I think it worked.

   Not as well as a direct command from Lilibubs’ latch though. By the sixth month, as she started taking solids, my breastmilk production subsided. I was very careful not to use the electric pump, and by then I’ve learned to just let the haakaa sit on my other breast. I also stayed away from galactagogues and shortened our nursing sessions. Anything to just reach that perfect demand-supply equilibrium.

5. This brings me to a very important piece of nursing advice: Learn to hand-express. I cannot emphasise enough how valuable this skill is, especially when you’re engorged and not letting down or when you’ve left a pump part at home. Your fingers can save you from the dreaded mastitis.

6. On blebs and mastitis. A bleb is like a pimple on your nipple that is usually the result of a poor latch. Mastitis happens when your milk ducts get clogged, you get very engorged, affected breast becomes painful, hot, and there are parts that become red. Sometimes, you run a fever, too. I’ve had both twice. Got hospitalised for my first mastitis (had 39 degree fever!) which happened because I pricked my bleb and it got infected. So my first advice would be to leave the bleb alone and just (excruciatingly) wait for it to pop or go to your OB and have her deal with it. Do not DIY as I have foolishly done.

7. How I dealt with mastitis. The first time I had it I was in the hospital on antibiotics, while nurses helped me pump the affected breast and had me rolling a warm canister over the clogged ducts until they became unblocked. It was an unnecessary hospitalisation though, I would later learn, as mastitis can be treated at home.

   Here’s what happened on my second bout with mastitis. On the first night till about lunchtime the next day, I had fever and was feeling so weak that I slept in a different room apart from Lilibubs. I pumped as often as my body woke me up to do so (about every four hours) while massaging the clogged area with my fingers and rolling a warm canister as I was previously taught to do. All the while I was waiting for my booked lactation massage (thank God @massagemnl offers them and there was an available therapist that day!!!). At around 1pm I had the two-hour lactation massage. I could feel that the ducts were still inflamed. I was then advised by my lactation consultant to apply cold compresses for 5-10 minutes every four hours to relax the ducts until the pain subsided, to continue direct latching, not to pump anymore and to hand express milk when the need arises.

   The best way to relieve mastitis is to express milk and latch, but at that particular time, either Lilibubs was teething and sucking hurt her or the taste of my milk changed because of the inflamed ducts or my breasts were suddenly too hot for her liking. I can only guess, but on the three days I was dealing with mastitis, Lilibubs refused to latch. I thought she was already starting to wean.. and it made me sad but what could I do? She only latched when she was asleep.

8. Which brings me to my first experience of how stress and worrying affect nursing. That whole week that I was sad and still recovering from mastitis, I really had difficulty letting down. Lilibubs, who was fed through a bottle in the absence of my breasts, would get impatient and turn away from me whenever I tried to feed her. The only thing that worked to get her back to nursing was to co-sleep once again.

9. I remember there was a whole week just last month when my mom was in the hospital and I had to visit her everyday and as a result, I nursed Lilibubs less and she was left at home with a bottle. The week after, I experienced a significant decrease in my supply which had me thinking of supplementing already with formula. I took malunggay supplements, tablespoons of virgin coconut oil, but I believe that the only thing that brought my supply back up was skin-to-skin contact with Lilibubs. Direct latching was still key.

10. Speaking of decreased supply, I discovered something pretty neat about our bodies. It is that we were really designed to fight for survival, and in the choice between recovering from a sickness and producing milk for our babes, our bodies will choose to self-preserve first. I experienced this when I got sick in Malaysia and was away from Lilibubs for three nights. The first night, probably from exhaustion from the long travel and the subconscious separation anxiety, I had fever. I was out cold for around seven, eight hours without my breasts filling up or getting engorged. Super amazing! As soon as I got better, my milk production proceeded as scheduled and I had to pump milk every 5 hours again. This could also be why output is lower than usual when Aunt Flo is visiting - the body prioritizes cleaning out the uterus over making milk.

11. Rotate positions to avoid clogged ducts especially in the beginning when supply is usually abundant. Cradle, cross-cradle, side-lying, and the football hold. There’s a reason why they are all taught in breastfeeding classes, and it’s because these different positions empty different ducts.

12. I get asked a lot what I take or eat that has allowed me to nurse for as long as I have. My honest answer is still unli-latching plus lots and lots of water. When I was pregnant, I ate oatmeal everyday without knowing that it’s a galactagogue. I have no idea if that helped my supply; maybe it did. As for malunggay supplements, I’ve found that they are very effective in boosting milk production especially during the days when work/life commitments don’t allow me to direct latch as often as I usually do.

    I also think it’s because Lilibubs is such an industrious and good sucker. If her latch wasn’t right, which I also believe she intuitively knew how to do, I don’t think my supply would be good, then and now. 

13. I’ve written above that the right latch is also key to breastfeeding success. There were three things I check for to ensure that Lilibubs’ latch is correct. First, fishlips - both upper and lower lips must pucker out. Second, there must be no clicking sound. A clicking sound means the latch isn’t the sealed vacuum it’s supposed to be. And third, does it hurt? If it does, then something’s not right; unlatch then re-latch. As aforementioned, I’ve had blebs twice which was a sure sign that the latch wasn’t correct. This led me to getting help from a lactation consultant, which led to Joey and I discovering that Lilibubs had both tongue and lip ties, leading us to nursing learning #14.

14. Check for lip and tongue ties. A consultation with first a lactation consultant and then a pediatric dentist confirmed that Lilibubs had tongue and lip ties. I would have kept it alone had it not been for the fact that around her 8th-9th week, Lilibubs’ tie had been rubbing on my nipple and it had started to hurt. Also, she wasn’t a colicky baby, but she was very gassy, and her ties could have contributed to her sucking air with milk because her latch wasn’t the sealed vacuum it was supposed to be. And so on her 10th week, Joey and I decided to have the ties nipped.. for one whole week she cried like crazy. It was a very challenging time but thankfully, she still latched, and when her wounds have healed and the pain has subsided, I finally felt my breasts emptied after she fed, for the very first time since I’ve started nursing her.

    Oh, and after her ties were released, Joey and I noticed how much louder she cried. Not exactly sure if it’s because her tongue was freed or maybe she was just angrier, hehe, but definitely, the volume of her crying upped.

15. As of this writing, Lilibubs has three upper teeth, fourth and fifth ones sprouting, and two lower ones. Three weekends ago were a heck of a challenge for both of us as she had been biting me every time we nursed - and not just a bite and release clamp, but more of a grinding one that had me shouting and crying from the pain. I made a decision then to start weaning her.. but then a couple of days later, as I looked at her sucking her thumb while sleeping (a sure sign of hunger), I again took the risk of direct latching. Thankfully, although not without hesitation, she fed without biting.

    And so a question that has always been on my mind way before I got pregnant was answered: Does it hurt when babies with teeth nurse?

    Answer: only when they bite, which, in my experience with Lilibubs, only happens when she’s teething.

16. So what do you do then when they bite? I have yet to master the whole “pull her head in so she won’t be able to breathe and will be forced to unlatch” advice that everyone, including our yaya, gives me. Every time we feed nowadays and I know that she’s teething, I talk to her firmly and ask her not to bite mommy. Thankfully, she seems to understand and I can actually feel her resist the urge to bite. Babies are amazing!

Some other musings, philosophical and not:

• You will feel as if your breasts aren’t yours anymore. The moment Lilibubs first latched, my breasts seemed to exist solely for her and her needs. Of course, this could just be a mental thing, but it is what it is. They just didn’t feel like they were mine anymore.

• Breastfeeding success is not a matter of breast size. I am flat-chested, I have milk. There are some more “gifted” than I who also have milk, and then there are others who don’t. I have no idea how supply is “assigned”, but I would stick to my above mantra: direct latch + the right latch + perseverance.

• One breast is always bigger than the other. Baby may have a preferred breast where s/he would latch more than the other, or sometimes you forget to switch sides. Whichever boob baby drinks from more, that usually becomes the bigger boob. Or whichever boob has more milk at the moment would obviously be bigger. It’s all normal and part of the experience.

• I have never touched my breasts as often as I do now that I’m breastfeeding. It is the weirdest thing to always feel yourself there, you know? But then forgetful me checks every now and then if my breasts are getting fuller so I can prepare for a feed/pump or which breast is fuller to give to the bebe.

• They will never look the same ever again. This is not to scare anyone, but again, it is what it is. They’re just.. different.

• Your breasts getting emptied qualify as one of the best physiological feelings in the world.. it’s honestly in my top 5, hahaha! In line with marital intimacy, defecation, getting my nails done, my legs waxed, a massage.. those kinds of things. Sorry for the honesty hehehe but it’s true!

• The body amazingly adapts. The first two weeks will hurt like nothing ever did before, but your nipples will toughen up. When baby is teething and bites you then pulls the nipple away - you will marvel at how resilient and stretchable that body part is. It just makes me want to praise God at how He has created woman.. it just really blows my mind.

• The breast and baby connection is an uncannily amazing thing. There were many times in the past when I would letdown just as Lilibubs would get hungry, or when my breasts that were soft just a few minutes ago would suddenly fill up and grow heavy, letting me know that it’s time for a feed. It blew/blows my mind every single time.

• Breastfeeding is a cure-all. Breastmilk is not only nutrition, it is also medicine for the baby, a safeguard against viruses, a natural sleep aid. It is ever-changing depending on the needs of the infant, and helps train the mouth for speaking. It is a happy hormones feast for both mommy and baby every time.. it is comfort and security. It is savings in the bank.

• Enjoy it - it’s the most beautiful thing. I go back to my first statement. The initial pain may seem like it’ll hurt forever, but it won’t, your body will adapt and you both will learn how to efficiently nurse. And then it becomes enjoyable, and it becomes this very precious, special time that nothing and no one can ever take away from you two. Our sleepless nights and zombie days may seem long, but in the grand scheme of things, what is one or two years that your child will spend nestled at your bosom, cradled closest to your heart? It seems so short now, and my grumblings of the past seem inconsequential..

But, and this is a very big BUT, having said all these, IF YOU CHOOSE OR ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES NOT TO NURSE, IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU ANY LESS OF A MOTHER. THERE IS NO SUCH THING. FED IS BEST. And breastfed or not, YOUR BABY WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND ADORE YOU. You are irreplaceable in her life, no matter what you do or don’t do.

I hope I helped with this lengthy entry of mine. :) thank you for reading and making it to the end, haha!

Bossa love,

Sitti